UNIVERSITY RESEARCH CENTER - In a groundbreaking study that has sent shockwaves through the scientific community, researchers have discovered that coffee's primary effect might not be alertness or productivity, but rather an intense desire to consume more coffee.

The Circular Logic of Caffeine

"It's like we've been caught in a perfectly orchestrated cycle," explains Dr. Maria Beans, lead researcher. "People drink coffee to wake up, but what they're actually doing is feeding an elaborate self-perpetuating system."

The study, which followed 1,000 coffee drinkers over six months, found that 99% of participants' thoughts about coffee were primarily focused on when they could have their next cup.

Industry Implications

"It's basically a pyramid scheme in liquid form," noted research assistant Tom Robusto. "Each cup creates the need for another cup, which creates the need for another cup, and so on until you're either vibrating or having an existential crisis."

Consumer Response

When asked about the findings, local coffee enthusiast Jenny Jitters responded, "That's fascinating. Hey, want to grab a coffee and discuss it further?"

The research team plans to continue their investigation, just as soon as they return from their seventh coffee break of the day.